Bit of Heaven

This morning I am up with my little Kevin. The house is quiet and peaceful. Everyone else is asleep, with happy memories of a wonderful visit with family in Kansas City. (I'll write more about that later.) As I have been holding my little one, my mind has drifted back to before I was pregnant. We thought we were done having kids. I was tired of being pregnant, which for me is like putting my physical and emotional health on a hormone driven rollercoaster. Then we moved to this farm. Our kids started going to an amazing school. LaMonte's job was working out very well. Our situation seemed so idealic, I started wondering if it would be possible...if it would be wise to have another baby. Most important of all, I wondered what God would want us to do. I felt painfully aware of all of my weaknesses and shortcomings. I was equally aware of the grace and miracles that have come so abundantly to help us provide for so many children. So, we prayed, we planned, we budgeted, we prayed some more. The answer came. The Lord did not expect us to have another baby. It would be difficult. Yet, if we were willing and wanting to bring another one of God's precious children into our family, a way would be provided. And so with faith, hope, and a few nerves we decided to invite another baby into our family. A few months later I was starting to wonder what we were thinking. I was sick. I was tired. This was not how I wanted my children to remember me. I worried if we had made the wrong choice. I was painfully aware of how we must look to others. All of my weaknesses seemed to come bubbling up to the surface. I struggled to keep up with the many demands of life. I prayed fervently that I would have the wisdom and strength to meet the needs of my children and to continue to provide them with the sweet and loving memories I so desparately wanted to fill their childhood. Answers to my prayers surely came, but mostly in small and simple ways while I continued to carry the physical and emotional burdens of being pregnant...again. I noticed, however, that in my time of struggle, I became much more compassionate towards my husband and children in their struggles. I became more sympathetic towards others and less critical. As the pregnancy progressed, my energy level increased. Time and time again, I felt strengthened beyond my own natural abilities to care for my children znd to help others in need. Now, here I am holding my little angel and trying to remember how our family could have ever felt complete without him. This week he started smiling. Looking into his precious eyes as he smiles up at me is like looking into the windows of heaven. Kissing his soft cheeks and cuddling his warm body leave me feeling as though I have been blessed with something that is more than just "cute." I feel truly as though I am in the presence of something divine. I feel a sense of love and wonder that surpasses anything else I have experienced. I look back on the struggles of pregnancy which now seem like such an embarrassingly small price to pay for this opportunity which is so priceless. Would I trade these experiences for a glowing career, exotic travel, or greater financial freedom. Definately not. I do not know who actually reads this blog. I hope I do not offend anyone, as I know our child-bearing decisions are not typical and not even possible for most families. This post is so I will remember and my children will know and never forget that none of them were brought into this world by chance or with regret. I love each one of them more than words can say. I believe motherhood to be the greatest calling, the greatest career, and the greatest fun I could ever hope for. I thank my God for allowing me to experience this piece of heaven on earth.